Frequently Asked Questions

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Frequently Asked Questions2017-12-24T01:10:55+00:00
Can I study tantra without a partner?2020-01-10T20:56:05+00:00

This is probably the most common question I am asked. Tantra is often connected with sexuality and relationships because this is one of the main applications where we need the most healing and help.

However, many of us feel drawn to study tantra, when we are on our own.

This is perfect; our tantric journey must begin with ourselves. In fact, when we try to apply tantra to our relationships without doing our own work first, it will be quite challenging since we often have hard feelings and issues swept under the rug within the relationship.

If we don’t address our own issues and brokenness, how can we create something whole with another? So, even within a relationship, it’s important to do your own work first.

The real goal of tantra is to experience our true essence, our true divinity, right here in our lives. This asks us to learn different philosophies about what life is all about, apply them to our lives, and then experience what happens. This is a very personal experience.

When we become tantric, we are effortlessly this way in all aspects of our lives – in all of our relationships, at work, with our children and friends, and definitely in our sexual intimacy.

My partner isn’t interested. Can I still study tantra?2020-01-10T21:05:58+00:00

The answer depends on why you want to study tantra.

If your goal is personal growth and the desire to become tantric in all aspects of your life, then the answer is definitely “yes,” because tantra is always a personal journey to begin with. The goal is to become tantric. It isn’t something we do or require anyone else for. Our personal journey is our richest journey. This is where we find ourselves, expand, and experience life in whole, new, and wonderful ways.

However, if you want to study tantra because you want to experience something different with your partner, then we have to look at some other questions.

Does your partner know what tantra is?

What is your partner not interested in? Most people have no idea what tantra is, and the very fact that it sounds foreign means it must be weird, strange and not “normal.” Of course, tantra is the most natural thing for all of us regardless of culture, but this needs to be explained because it isn’t obvious.

There is also a lot of misinformation out there about tantra. There are many services, teachings, and events that are called tantric but have nothing to do with tantra. For some, tantra means kinky sex, orgies, naked retreats, polyamory, etc. These things are not tantra. Kink is kink. Polyamory is polyamory. Nudity is nudity. These are personal choices that have nothing to do with tantra.

Tantric Intimacy is about the quality of the connectedness between you. It’s about journeying together to drop the walls, release the expectations and explore what is possible between two people.

Are you looking for different things in your relationship?

If your partner understands all of this and they are still not interested, it might be a sign of something you already know – it’s not that they aren’t interested in tantra. They aren’t interested in connecting in a deeper way with you.

Tantric intimacy asks us to drop our guards and become very close. This is not everyone’s path. Your partner might genuinely like your relationship exactly as it is right now and not want to go any deeper.

Your partner might not want to try anything different sexually, either. They might be satisfied with your sex life and don’t want to change a thing, or they might be intimidated by trying something new.

The challenge is that sex is more than something you do together in the bedroom. You are the same people with the same relationship, regardless of which room you are in. If they are satisfied sexually but you are not, this might be telling you even more about your relationship.

Can tantra fix my relationship?2020-01-10T21:18:32+00:00

Tantra looks at our relationships through a different lens than many types of counselling. It gets to the core of who we are and teaches us how to connect in deep and nourishing ways. Whether this will work for you depends on where you are in your relationship.

And so, the answer is “maybe yes” and “maybe no.”

If both of you want to grow personally and heal, and you both want to explore a deeper connection, then tantra is a beautiful structure to help you on this journey together.

Tantra gives us a new understanding of love and connection. We can learn how to be safe and trusting with each other. We can learn how to love each other in ways that perhaps we’ve never even seen before.

Introducing the discipline of 100% kindness into your communications and actions will draw you closer in every moment.

When each of you do your personal work, your relationship will change. This will give you a lot of insight as to where each of you have contributed to the distance that you now feel. The intimacy exercises will allow you to connect in a deep and meaningful way that will create an entirely new foundation for your relationship.

When you are able to let go of all expectations and reactions, you can embrace the infinite possibilities that tantra has to offer. Yes, tantra can definitely help.

However, you might already know that the answer is “no.” If you are the only one who wants to fix your relationship, then no, tantra cannot help. We must work within what is real.

However, tantra might help you see your relationship for what it truly is. Maybe you won’t ever have intense passion, but maybe you can have a friendlier and kinder companionship. Tantra redefines love in a way that we can apply it to all depths and kinds of connection. If you are both happy with a friendly, loving companionship, then tantra can help you happily live together.

Moving On When Love Isn’t There

When love is disappearing, when happiness has gone, then it might be time to say thank you and move on. For many of us, this is a radical thought. Historically, we were committed to the institution of marriage. We made a promise and we have to keep it. Within that promise there is no requirement that you are happy or fulfilled or passionate, or that love is even there. Sometimes marriage is a business agreement, and love has little to do with it.

The idea of “till death do you part” is a man-made creation. Staying together for life is not a sign of success. It says nothing about happiness or the fullness of your life. Sometimes it works, and there is great love the whole time. But when it’s not like that, there is no reason to be together.

If this is your situation, you will have to look at what is really happening. Has your relationship simply run its course? Perhaps you can look at each other with love, honour your relationship, and take different roads.

Sometimes, there is love in the beginning, but we don’t know how to love each other. We know how to lust after each other. We know how to live together.

We can have children and pay the bills together, but keeping true love alive takes a different set of skills. This is where we tend to harm the relationship and the love dies.

Instead, we often treat our loved ones – partners and children – worse than friends, colleagues, and even strangers on the street. We “let our hair down” and are “just ourselves” at home because we know that no matter how we act, they won’t go anywhere. We act more like fighting siblings than lovers.

True love is not unkind. It isn’t moody. It doesn’t take out a bad day on another person. It never wants the other person to feel badly. It protects the other person from anything that might upset them.

If you find yourself in a place where you have not been loving toward each other and there are all kinds of hurt feelings and trust issues, but you both want to heal the relationship, then tantra can help. You will have to take it very slow and focus on being kind 100% of the time with each other.

If you are treating your partner with anything except kindness and love, it is likely because you are used to this pattern from your childhood and most relationships in your life. Being impeccable with others will be a new skill to develop. It will take thoughtful discipline in the beginning. But it’s definitely worth it.

Does tantra apply to gay couples?2020-01-10T20:42:27+00:00

Yes. Definitely. We often imagine it only applies to the heterosexual world, since that has been the dominant culture for a long time. Regardless of orientation, tantra is first a way of being. It is about integrating our spiritual and physical lives. This is true for all genders and orientations.

Our tantric journey shifts our philosophy so we can heal all of the parts of us we have hidden away. Most people in the LGBTQ community have been forced to hide a lot of who they are and still have to in many cultures. This process of healing is fundamentally important.

How we create loving connection is about how souls connect. Our souls have no gender. We just love. We can have full body orgasms through complete presence and touch. We can be fully clothed, doing nothing sexual at all. What matters is that when we are complete, infinite possibilities can happen.

Truthfully, all couples need this foundation within each person, regardless of orientation.

There is a lot of discussion about the interaction of the masculine and feminine in tantra, which can seem heterosexist. This refers to the masculine and feminine balance within each of us. We all interact in masculine and feminine ways with each other, regardless of orientation. This isn’t about sex.

It’s about the natural magnetism between the two aspects of each of us and how we interact with each other.

It is true that there is much more information and focus on heterosexuality in tantra mostly because historically, we have not been able to discuss same-sex couples, let alone the people who make up the LGBTQ community today.

We live in a time where we can not only talk openly about how everyone loves and connects with each other, but we can study the wisdom of tantra and learn (perhaps for the first time) how this ancient wisdom applies to everyone of all genders and orientations.

The world is ready for it now.

How can I feel sexual again?2020-01-10T20:39:37+00:00

This is a common question for anyone who feels like they aren’t feeling everything they could be, lacks libido, or aren’t as excited to be sexual and intimate as they once were.

Feeling sexual and sensitive again is part of our healing process. We are naturally sensitive to touch, we feel pleasure, and we have life energy to share with others. When we don’t feel this, we have some clues as to what we need to heal on our tantric journey.

Emotional Scarring During Sex

We are incredibly vulnerable when we are sexually intimate. Physically and energetically, our most vulnerable parts are exposed and mingling with another. If we are intimate with someone and they say or do something careless, this can do real damage and stay with us for a long time.

Some men who struggle with erectile dysfunction can trace it back to a partner who made a derogatory comment about them during a sexual encounter. One woman told me she remembers a certain lover making fun of something she did and after that, she was always a little shy about lovemaking. She held back more. She became afraid to let go and enjoy.

Tantra helps us heal these inner wounds through self-love, acknowledging what happened, knowing it wasn’t true, or reframing the experience. We never know exactly how these wounds get healed, but somehow in the process of becoming whole and re-integrating all of our lost parts, we gain a new confidence. Those experiences are still part of our memories, but we are now stronger and more sensual because of them.

Mental Stress

When we are stressed out, we are fully engaged in our brains. We are locked into our churning and twisting thoughts about some topic. When we are like this, we cannot be sensual.

To be sensual is to be in our bodies, to feel touch and emotion. It is to connect with another person. None of this is possible if we are lost in our minds.

Taking the time to meditate and get to the bottom of our mental stress is helpful if we are ever to become sexual, sensual, and tantric.

De-Sensitization to Touch and Pleasure:

There is a connection between our emotional walls in life and our ability to experience touch with another. Our ability to feel touch can also be diminished through painful past experiences, whether they were sexual experiences, medical procedures, accidents, etc.

Both of these topics are covered in depth in Tantric Intimacy in Chapter 5 and Chapter 12: “Letting Down Our Walls” and “Tantric Touch.”

Medication & Recreational Drugs & Alcohol

Modern society has turned to medicating all unpleasant emotions. There are instances where medication truly saves someone’s life and makes it possible for them to live in society, but many medications are prescribed to simply “take the edge off.”

We might feel stuck in situations we can’t change, or we are still hurting from past pain and trauma we haven’t been able to heal. We take medications from the doctors to feel better, or we take recreational drugs or drink alcohol. We self-medicate because we don’t want to feel bad any longer.

However, when we “take the edge off” of life, we decrease our virility. We are “taking the edge off” of the life force running through us. We are choosing not to feel everything we are feeling. This is going to have a direct effect on our sex drives.

Our sexual desires are directly linked to our excitement to be alive. They are connected to our emotions and how we feel about everything. It is our happiness, sadness, grief, low times, high times, anger and everything in between that makes us feel alive, dynamic, and real. This is what stokes our inner fire – living in each moment.

The anger or sadness inside may be just what you need to make necessary changes. But if you’re afraid or feel unable to make those changes, then you might turn to other options to repress what you are feeling. This will affect your ability to feel all over.

If you are on medication, ask your doctor whether it may affect your sex drive and see what other options you have. If you self-medicate with natural or recreational drugs and alcohol, be compassionate with yourself and look at what’s really going on.

Once we find a way to self-medicate when we are feeling low, we will never go into those painful feelings. The path of tantra asks us to find our way through these challenges. It gives us the divine courage to dig deep and step into the fire, knowing we will come out the other side.

When we can go into those dark parts of our psyches and heal them, we will start to feel alive again. When we can feel the life force flowing through us, we will feel sexual again.

For Women

For many women, sex is quite unsatisfying. Because the primal goal of “regular sex” is for the man to ejaculate, a woman’s satisfaction tends to be secondary. (This does not apply to everyone. The goal of many men is to make sure their partner is satisfied.)

It wasn’t until the late twentieth century that it was widely accepted women were able to have orgasms at all. Prior to this, you simply had sex until the man ejaculated. Period.

Of course, women did have sexual desires. They had intimate needs. They desired connection, but this wasn’t necessarily happening. They would become emotional and frustrated. The medical system even created a diagnosis for this called “hysteria.” This condition had nearly every possible symptom, including depression, anxiety, nervousness, excessive vaginal lubrication, and sexual thoughts… Hmmm.

When this happened, the most common treatment was a “hysterectomy,” the removal of the female organs. The other common treatment was much more enjoyable. She would go to the doctor to have a “vulva massage,” which would result in a “paroxysm.” In other words, she would be masturbated until orgasm and then she would feel wonderful. Her symptoms would vanish. And so, she would simply go for weekly “treatments.”

We think this sounds crazy today, but the diagnosis of “hysteria” existed in diagnostic manuals until the 1980s. It isn’t ancient history. Historically, the idea of women enjoying sex is relatively new.

If you are older, you may have had many years of mechanical sex. Sex was an expectation and duty within marriage, whether we felt loving connection or not. Being entered sexually when we didn’t want it set up emotional walls within us. This will drastically affect our desire for more of the same. Of course, the other common diagnosis for women was “frigidity.” It’s not really a surprise.

If you are a younger woman, we have to look at the effects of porn on today’s generation. Many boys start watching porn as early as 12 years old. Many girls watch it so they know what to do. This heavily influences what we think is “normal” sexually and therefore what we expect from each other.

One of my students chose to be celibate in his late 20s for a time because he didn’t know which sexual desires were his and which ones were from all the videos he had watched for so long. Because so much porn is focused on what pleases men (despite the fact that the women act like they are having great pleasure), the men learn nothing about what pleases a woman. There is often no kissing or intimacy at all. Yet these are the acts that create the loving experiences that make women happy.

Both of these situations can cause sexuality to be mechanical and painful for women. I’ve spoken to women of all ages who believe intercourse is painful, sometimes or at least most of the time. We have to realize that our vaginas hold memories. When we have been hurt, our bodies react with armour. Our bodies learn “when this happens,” I need to protect myself. We become less sensitive. But when we become less sensitive to pain, we also feel less pleasure.

When we come into our divine feminine and understand the incredible pleasure our bodies are capable of, we can release all of this armour and explore the infinite wonder of the feminine body.

Healing from sexual abuse2020-01-10T20:30:33+00:00

Sexual abuse affects our ability to physically respond; our bodies are traumatized and on high-alert, waiting for the next event.

Sexual abuse has been so common that we sweep it under the rug. In many societies, it historically wasn’t even considered abuse. It was normal. Even if it was considered wrong, there was so much shame around it on the parts of both the abuser and the abused that no one talked about it. We have been expected to continue being sexually active, regardless of being abused in the past.

It’s like asking a soldier who has been traumatized by war to go back into the field over and over again, without healing. They would either become hardened (out of necessity), or they would break down.

This is how we must treat the effects of sexual abuse. We must recognize there is trauma stored in the body. This must be healed. It is natural to lack desire for more sexual experiences in the same way that a soldier won’t want to go back to war. This is the natural response to trauma and fear.

Tantra can help us here, but it is also important to get more help from people experienced in releasing trauma. This must be given the proper attention it needs. It’s no small thing. We deserve to heal and desire sexual attention in a healthy and pleasurable way again.

Here are some ways that tantra can help.

Enjoying Touch Again

We want to be able to experience “Original Touch” again. This is the kind of touch that stirs us deep inside and gives us a complete, human, divine experience.

Our mind, emotions and body are all one, so when we experience physical or emotional trauma, it is stored in the tissues. When we are touched, old, painful emotions can rise, which block us from being present to what is happening now. The wounds are like a sinkhole and we disappear into them when the trigger is touched.

Plus, when there has been sexual abuse, the emotions experienced are often around shame, fear, and survival. It is especially important not to ignore the depth of the pain. We don’t want to stay here. We want to heal, and it is possible. We are incredible beings.

One of the most powerful aspects of tantra is that we integrate the spiritual with the physical. We integrate the divine into our lives. When we imagine trying to recover from sexual abuse all on our own, we are only working through the body and mind. But when we integrate spirit into our being and we learn to trust that part of ourselves, we find we have strength and courage to face what we couldn’t before.

Trusting Another

This is often a deeper wound to heal than the physical wound. As a baby, we learn to trust those around us. We are completely dependent, and if those around us are not trustworthy, we will learn to put up walls to protect ourselves. As we continue to grow in that environment, our walls will get higher and higher.

When there is sexual abuse, we put up even higher walls. Sexual abuse affects our feelings around personal safety, survival, and relating to others. We build these walls out of protection and self-preservation. These walls have been important. They are what have kept you alive and sane up until this point.

However, if you are wanting to study tantra, then perhaps you want to take these walls down now. They have done their job and now you are finished with them. You would like to deeply connect with someone. You don’t want to feel so alone.

This is why tantra is such a personal journey. We must heal ourselves. We must integrate the divine parts of ourselves into our lives. Because when we are centred and happy and we feel guided by our highest self/God/Spirit, we feel much safer opening up.

When we are already complete and whole, opening up won’t be so scary because our emotional state, self-worth, or happiness is not dependent on the other person’s thoughts or actions. We are tantric ourselves. We are whole.

We are open to deeply connecting with another.

Can tantra heal my addiction to porn?2020-01-10T20:26:39+00:00

This is the most common question I am asked by men around the world. The messages are all nearly the same. If the man is between 18 and 25, he has been watching porn since he was 12 years old and is now struggling to have a relationship with a real person. If they are older, they started watching porn later in life and it is harming their relationships, they are having trouble getting an erection with a real woman, or they are ejaculating too quickly.

Studying tantra can definitely help.

First of all, I don’t think watching porn is bad. There is something exciting and titillating about watching people have sex. We just have to be clear about what porn is.

Porn is entertainment. It isn’t about love-making or even having sex. It focuses on the most titillating aspects of various situations. They play out our fantasies – things that we couldn’t do ourselves, and maybe wouldn’t even want to do in real life. But our minds will hold fantasies like they are real, so it can be difficult to be clear about what is real and what is fantasy.

The people in porn are actors. Even if they are amateurs filming at home on their cameras, they are still playing to a screen and their possible viewers. Whether they are enjoying themselves or not, they are going to act like they are. They are going to make sounds like they are, but it is no more real than a TV show. Real intimacy can seem like a lot of work, and can get quite messy.

Porn is so much easier.

If you are addicted to porn right now, you have choices.

The first step is to expand our ideas about what is possible in a sexual encounter.

When we believe all that there is is the “procreative sex” model, which is basically “get in, get off, get out.” No matter how we dress it up, we will inevitably get bored at some point. The porn industry is also based on this model. This is why they have to make it so edgy. This model is boring, so we bring in bigger boobs, bigger penises, different colours, toys, locations, multiple partners, bondage, rape, animals, you name it. We have to dress it up because at its very core, there’s not much going on.

Tantra is a different experience altogether. When we experience this tantric touch, closeness, and intercourse, the multi-faceted pleasure that is possible doesn’t even compare to porn. It is the difference between flying a spacecraft to Mars and driving a souped-up bicycle to the corner store.

When we truly understand this, it can create a new desire inside of us. From this desire, we start to crave something else. Something more fulfilling and pleasurable than watching porn. When the desire for something else comes from inside, the pull of addictions disappear.

How do I introduce tantra to new partners?2020-01-10T20:23:24+00:00

The important point here is to understand that tantra is a way of being. Between partners, it is a way of connecting, a depth and quality of relationship.

Your Presence

Your tantra studies and practice must bring you to a place where you simply are tantric. You are present. You are open. You are loving. You are kind. You are connected to spirit in every moment. When you bring this to the relationship, the other person will reflect this. If they are closed down, your openness will make them feel safe. If they are distracted, your presence will bring them to the moment. If things are challenging and you listen inwards for guidance instead of reacting, this will take the relationship in a new direction.

The Quality of Your Connection

We often feel the need to explain tantric sex if we are going to jump to sex right away, but it won’t work this way. Tantric intimacy isn’t a set of practices that you just add to sex. You could know all about tantric intimacy, but if there is no love and true connection with the other person, the magic will always elude you anyway.

In order to create this connection, it is often good to refrain from being sexual for a while. If we begin a relationship having sex without deep connection, this can easily create a precedent which is harder to change later. You will naturally default to “regular, procreative” sex. Whereas if you take the time to cultivate and deepen the connection between you, you will become accustomed to having an incredible magnetic charge between you. By the time you are sexually intimate with each other, you will be used to it always being incredible and exciting.

If this is a challenge, it is important to look at why that is. Are you really looking for a tantric, intimate connection? It’s OK if you aren’t. It’s just important to be clear with yourself and your partner what your hopes are.

Talk about what tantra REALLY is

When we study and practise tantra, it’s natural to want to share this with a new, potential partner. Share with them what tantra is at its core. How has it changed your life? How does it bring you peace? Do you act differently in life now? How have your relationships changed? The proof is always in your day-to-day life. Sharing how it has transformed you is the most interesting and important aspect of tantra to share with anyone.

If these ideas scare them off, this is a good sign that perhaps they aren’t a great match on a very foundational level. If they desire truth, emotional connection, love, passion, playfulness, and a sense of adventure, once you have a wonderful foundation, introducing them to the more intimate side of tantra will be natural.

Can tantra help with premature ejaculation?2020-01-10T20:20:28+00:00

Many men email me asking if tantra will help them with premature ejaculation. The answer is yes!

Learn How To Relax in Life

It is important that we relax all day long. Becoming tantric brings us to a place where we have a peaceful, still centre within us that we can tap into anytime when we need to slow down, relax, and come to centre. The more we can be relaxed and centred in life, the easier it will become when we are being sexual.

Personal Control

Many men struggle with the idea that ideally, they don’t ejaculate at all during tantric intimacy. This is a challenge for most men, regardless of whether they struggle with being premature or not. You can if you want, but there are huge benefits when you choose not to. Men can develop a different connection with their vajra (penis). Instead of being at the whim of what it wants to do, they develop control over when or whether or not they ejaculate at all. It is totally within your control. You could have intercourse for hours. You could choose to come whenever you want. This is actually part of your design.

Whether a man is accustomed to ejaculating after 10 minutes, 1 minute, or 20 minutes, there is a certain training required to be in control.

When I was first experimenting with tantra with my husband, he couldn’t wrap his mind around not ejaculating or having that kind of control. Then one day, we were making love and I noticed something was different about him. There was this confidence emanating from him. I realized that he was no longer afraid of coming. I asked him what happened, and he said, “I don’t know. I decided that I was in control. And now it’s up to me. It’s that simple.”

Releasing Guilt and Shame

It’s important to release any guilt or shame around it because you will never be able to be present and focused if there is fear and shame. I remember one man telling me that lots of guys suffer with this. They spent their teenage years masturbating in the shower. They had to do it quickly and in private so no one knew. Speed and shame combined! Those two things need to be released.

Sets of Nine

This is an exercise that is in the sexuality chapter and is super fun to practise with a partner. Through counted slow and then deep penetration, you can practise breathing and being present, and you get to see which number you get to each time. When you get all the way to nine deep penetrations, you will want to keep on going.

Can tantra help with erectile dysfunction?2020-01-10T20:17:20+00:00

Much of modern “regular sex” is based in the procreative model, where the fundamental goal is ejaculation and creating children. In this scenario, erections, speed, and physical vigour are important.

When the goal is intimate, sexual union, the penis is an energetic instrument, not a “ramming rod.” Within tantric sexuality, we learn how to have beautiful, pleasurable intercourse whether the penis is hard or soft. We can fully connect with another through connective intimacy, love, attention, touch, and other creative physical ways. We can be orgasmic and still lose ourselves in each other. It’s all about the quality of our connection.

If we can be orgasmic fully dressed, simply touching hands, imagine what can happen if we are naked.

Developing the other 95% of you

Many men lose the ability to have an erection due to prostate problems and surgery. One of the first tasks is to see yourself as more than your penis. What you can offer a partner is closer to 5% hard penis and 95% the rest of you.

Society tells us the erection is the sign of your manhood and virility. This creates an over-focus on the erection. In many relationships, this is the majority of what is offered. However, their partner desires more than “just sex.” They want love and affection all day long. They want extended foreplay. They want all the pleasures that the rest of you offers. Essentially, they want the rest of you, too.

Tantric intimacy brings us very close. It is the connection, the touch, the breathing that brings us to absolute ecstasy. Ejaculation happens in the penis, but orgasm happens in the brain. So when faced with the inability to have an erection, we need to find all of those other ways we can enjoy loving and being intimate, without our ego telling us we aren’t enough.

Resolving Past Experiences

Unkind words spoken at a particularly vulnerable moment can have long-time effects on our emotions and psyche. This is true for both men and women. We are so vulnerable during intimacy, and our partners (and ourselves) aren’t trained in the kindness needed with such openness. Without kindness and wisdom, great psychological damage can happen.

If you remember a moment immediately as you read this, then look at that moment. Pray about it. Yell about it. Talk to a trusted counsellor. Do whatever you feel called to do to heal it.

If you’re not sure, but it feels possible, then explore the possibility. This can be explored through tantra on your personal journey and with a trusted partner. Tantra has incredible healing potential.

Medication

There are many medications that can dull our senses (on purpose) and therefore also affect our “get-up-and-go,” which can be experienced through erectile dysfunction. Check with your doctor about options if this is a possible side-effect.

Masculine Energy

Regardless of whether your inability to have an erection is due to surgery, psychological trauma, or unknown causes, it is important to ask yourself, “Do You Feel Masculine in Your Life?”

If the answer is “no” or “not really,” the best thing to do is to go out and do masculine things.

“Masculine” does not mean “macho” or “tough.” It simply means “doing,” “giving,” or “creating” (please refer to the Masculine & Feminine chapter of “Tantric Intimacy” for more information). Work out. Run. Take a dance class. Volunteer. Give to others. Create structure in your life. Get out in the world and DO.

In relationships, give more. Do more. Sexually, take the initiative. Truly “take charge.” This isn’t forcing yourself on someone. It is observing your partner and reading what they would like, then doing it.

All of these actions strengthen our masculine energy and pump us up to use the confidence and strength we have inside.

Can tantra help with low sex drive after menopause?2020-01-10T20:12:22+00:00

As women, there are many aspects of our sexual lives to look at after we have been through menopause. The body changes in menopause. Our hormone levels are different. Our bodies don’t respond in the same ways they did when our bodies were being prepared to have children. That doesn’t mean we can’t be sensual, intimate, feminine beings.

In fact, tantra brings us into our deepest feminine experience. If you are going through or have passed menopause at the time of this book’s writing (2017), then the feminine has not been honoured much in your life. Tantra awakens what is within us.

There are other factors we need to look at, too.

Women’s Non-Orgasmic History

Up until the 1960s, it was widely believed that women couldn’t have orgasms. A woman’s pleasure in bed was not only unimportant, it was a non-issue. Yet it has always mattered that the man ejaculated. In fact, the sex act typically wasn’t complete until this happened. Obviously, there are situations where this isn’t true, but it is a persistent pattern even today in our younger generation.

By the time we go through menopause, we likely have over 30 years of sexual experiences under our belt. There might have been a few great moments, lots of so-so sex, and perhaps lots of obligatory, “marital” sex.

None of this leads to a continuing desire for more.

Many men of this age were brought up in the same era and ideas about sex. My widowed aunt once told me she didn’t want to ever date again because she didn’t want to have to bother washing a man’s socks and having to make him feel good about himself. I’m not saying that everyone feels like that, but it’s definitely common.

Past Sexual Trauma

Not only did many women have so-so or bad sex, a lot of women have had a lot of sex they didn’t want. Every time a man enters us when we didn’t want it or we weren’t ready, it leaves a physical and psychic effect on us.

The effects are obvious and intuitive when it is rape. If someone obviously forces themselves onto us and we are entered against our will, it’s easy to understand the long-term damage and the healing required for this. However, it is within long-term relationships that we tend to have the most sex that we don’t want. We have sex because our partner wants it and we don’t want to upset them or “make” them moody. Or maybe we want to fix their mood. Plus, we promised that we would only be sexual with each other, so we easily felt “If I don’t have sex with him, he will go elsewhere.”

This training runs deep. Only a few decades ago, women couldn’t work, vote, or support themselves and care for their children without a man. The importance of “keeping the man happy” was well-bred into us for good reason.

Lubrication

After menopause, ample lubrication can be more challenging than it was before due to hormonal changes, medications, or surgeries.

It’s important to know that women often do not have enough foreplay and pleasure to become lubricated enough – postmenopausal or not! Tantric intimacy teaches us what excites our whole beings and helps us become naturally lubricated. The feminine is fed through her heart. Most of our sexual stimulus isn’t even physical. Do we feel loved? Do we feel seen and respected? Do we feel honoured and adored? Is our partner taking initiative (being masculine)? Are we being swept off our feet?

This puts us into the deep feminine. When our heart is stimulated, our yoni (vagina, etc) naturally opens to connect more deeply. However, this is a new concept for most of us.

Medication

Many medications have side-effects that will affect our sex drive and our body’s ability to respond sexually. For many medications, it isn’t the side effects that are the challenge; it is the primary intention of the drug that will dull our responses.

For example, when we are on antidepressants, think about what these do. They are intentionally dulling our responses to painful emotional states. This isn’t a judgement about whether you should be on them, but it is important to connect the right dots.

True intimacy happens when we are wide open and feel everything. If we have deep issues that we can’t face and we rely on medication to give us a different set-point, this can interfere with a great sex-drive.

Being Feminine

Are you very feminine? Have you been able to be feminine? What has stifled your femininity? Do you trust to receive? Have you ever experienced this? Will you allow yourself to receive?

We have become independent and strong, which is good. However, in many ways, we have only become more like men. We have increased our masculinity and lost our femininity.

In tantra we learn the beautiful balance of masculine and feminine within us and in relationships. Suddenly, there is great value to feminine wisdom, wildness, introspection, emotions, and intuition. We learn receiving is as much of a gift as giving.

We learn what it is to be truly women – strong in both our feminine and masculine.

Can tantra help me have longer orgasms?2017-10-17T15:37:01+00:00

Yes, this is something that tantric intimacy definitely provides… Mostly because tantra is the path to being whole… in all of our life, including sexually. In our primal, procreative model of sex, all that matters is that our sexual organs are excited and so we focus on the genital orgasms – this ensures the likelihood of pregnancy (whether that is what we are going for and regardless of orientation). 

However, when we move beyond the primal desires sexually, we discover that we are truly whole, complete beings… and our entire beings are capable of this orgasmic, blissful state. This is actually very natural for us… 

But this is why our tantric journey is to become whole – the blending of the physical and spiritual. The only reason that we do not have full-body-and-mind orgasms now, is because we don’t live in a full-body-and-mind state in every minute of our day…

As we travel along the journey of tantra, we will take small steps towards this every day… And one day, having full-body-and-mind orgasms in and out of the bedroom will be as natural as enjoying a beautiful sunset.

How I can eliminate anxiety about my inability to exercise control of my ejaculations?2017-08-23T18:17:29+00:00

This is a great question, and a really common concern.

Studying and practicing tantra changes the whole dynamic around ejaculating which takes the pressure off and therefore creates a deeper connection between you and the “ejaculation response”.

In “regular sex”, the end-goal is ejaculation.. And for many reasons, many men struggle with this… Either ejaculating sooner than they’d like or struggling to get it up at all. And once you realize that it might be a problem, the problem gets out of control.

But in tantra, the focus is what happens when you truly connect with another person – energetically, emotionally, through the heart. What happens when you just touch someone for the joy and pleasure of touching them, without the goal of arousal or orgasm?

When we do this, the whole experience of lovemaking slows down and we start to savour every moment — and then each moment becomes bigger and bigger… And when these incredible and full moments string together, creating beautiful lovemaking and pleasure.. Ejaculation becomes very secondary.

Plus, through tantra, we learn to be meditative in life and in lovemaking. This also helps to relieve the anxiety… Plus you learn how to gain control over your ejaculation so that you soon have nothing to be anxious about.

We have a video on it here for more information.

And our course Foundations for Tantric Intimacy is also a wonderful place to start if you would like to learn more. 🙂

How can we heal our belief systems?2017-08-23T18:21:19+00:00

Those belief systems are generally coming from our childhood and from our family relation models. Like mom and dad relation, or grandma/grandpa relations that we are taking as a model. Or belief systems that were planted to our mind, some how some time.

The path of tantra is a mystical path.. this means that we look inside/to the divine/to a deeper truth for our guidance. There is a truth inside of us that is not dependent on how we were raised or what other people will think or what we even believe to be right or wrong… It is just a truth. This becomes our truth and it overrides what we were taught. It takes courage to stand up for a truth that you can only feel inside and not explain to those who think differently.

And so we become more in tune with our deeper self… We pray, meditate, experience nature, walk, run, do eye-gazing and other tantric exercises, all to get in touch with that deeper truth about the world and our lives. This is when life becomes very rich because we are not playing according to the rules any longer… We are following our calling, our “truth”… We feel the connection to something greater.

The first step is the awareness of the belief systems that are running inside of us.. And then we begin the process of questioning them.. honouring where they come from, and then letting them go… and finding our actual truth. What OUR soul is calling for here.

This is our healing and expansive path of tantra.

Can I study Tantra without a Partner?2017-08-23T18:23:24+00:00

Definitely. Tantra is really a personal journey. The real goal of tantra is to experience our true essence.. our true divinity right here in these bodies.. in these lives. To do this means that we need to let go of a lot of “stuff”… We need to let go of the constructs that society has built for us to live within, what we have learned from our families and friends, what our teachers and society taught us was right and wrong. We need to start living from within… Having a soul’s experience instead.

When we have a partner, it is different because it is through the shared intimacy that we can see something new. We can combine energies to reach new heights. But still, we must do our personal work in order to get clear enough to be that vulnerable, that open, that kind and that present with another person.

So to do the work ourselves first is brilliant. This is the true path of the tantrika… The personal inner and spiritual journey…

Plus, in terms of sexuality and intimacy, we also learn what else is possible out there. And therefore we attract something new and different into our lives in our next partner!

Our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course has two streams: One for individual study, and one for couples. You can learn more about this course here.

How can I be more Tantric in my everyday life?2017-08-23T18:26:09+00:00

This is actually the main thread of our Foundations course. Tantra isn’t something that we just learn. It is something that we become. We BECOME tantric.

We learn to experience the spirit and body together all day long. It becomes how we cook, how we walk and how we make love. But if we aren’t like that all day long, then we won’t be like that in the bedroom either.

So, this is a great focus for learning Tantra right from the beginning! We have a Q&A video addressing the question here as well.

Will tantra help me be more at ease with myself?2017-08-23T18:29:14+00:00
The philosophy of tantra is all about integrating our spirit with our physical selves. When we think that we are just these bodies, our job, our relationships, our accomplishments, our challenges, our regrets, we often feel very at odds with ourselves. This is practically endemic today.

Tantra integrates our “spiritual self”/God/energetic self (or whatever sounds right to you) into our physical lives. Tantra believes that we are meant to experience the divine through this life. It isn’t separate. It is every minute of every day.. And this leads to ecstasy and bliss.. And that this is actually how humans are meant to live. We aren’t meant to be stressed out and worried. We are meant to be light, and clear, and happy. This is who we really are.

So, in short, yes — tantra absolutely brings us back to this place.

Our Foundations of Tantric Intimacy first brings us into that intimacy within ourselves… And then teaches us how to share that with others.
I’m not sure my partner would join this. How do I share this with him?2017-08-23T18:27:33+00:00
You could take the Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course for Individuals yourself. This course helps you to become tantric.. You change. You become more present, more aware, more orgasmic, more blissful… And then you can share that with him all day long and in the bedroom. He likely will be curious but maybe afraid to try it… But he will eventually.
But you, alternatively, can definitely share it with him later… And worst case, you’ll have learned something amazing that will make you happier, and more blissful in your whole life. 🙂
I want to learn everything about Tantra!2017-08-23T18:32:37+00:00

Wonderful! Tantra is an incredibly deep and rich art that we can truly study, practice and continue using every day for our whole lives… It becomes a way of being.

An excellent beginner’s guide to tantra is Tantric Intimacy: Discover the Magic of True Connection, a comprehensive guide to tantra for the complete beginner or the seasoned pro. You can find out where to get your copy here.

Another great first step is our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course. It starts with the basic principles of tantra and applies it to us as people – in our every day lives, in all of our relationships and in intimacy. We become tantric… We embody it in every step. And then we bring it into our relationships, finding the true intimacy that is possible between humans – true spiritual connection. Then we extend this into sacred union.

This could be the only course you ever take in tantra – lots to play with for your whole life. Or it is a stepping stone to more study.

What if I can’t afford the course? Do you have scholarship spots?2017-08-23T18:34:37+00:00

No problem — if you feel drawn to any of our courses, we would love for you to have the opportunity to take them. We definitely have scholarship spots available. Just email us at info@fusiontantra.com and we will find a way for you!

How can I make the most of my relationship with my partner?2017-08-23T18:38:37+00:00

This is one of the most beautiful applications of tantra. We learn how to BE TANTRIC. We learn how to be truly present, intimate, focused, sensitive and blissful ourselves. And then we share this presence with our partner. This is where incredible magic happens… When two people come together who are open, loving and aware, incredible things happen. Things beyond our imaginings; what humans are truly made for. And deep down, it’s like we already know this… but we don’t know how to get there.

The change starts in oneself, and soon it will improve and affect every aspect of your life, including your relationships,

Our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course teaches this, as does Tantric Intimacy, our beginner’s guide to tantra. You can take it yourself or you can take it with your partner. Either way, it’s an incredible thing to learn a new foundation for having incredible relationships.

What are the Healing Powers of Tantra?2017-08-23T18:39:14+00:00

The path of tantra is a very healing path personally.. It helps us to connect with our deepest selves in a gentle and caring way. Tantra integrates our spirit, mind and body as a whole… and often when we are hurt, there is a disconnect. Tantra helps to heal that disconnect.

Also when we can allow our sexual energy to flow, it is very healing. Our sexual energy is our life force. We don’t want to repress it at all.

And when we have tantric intimacy with another, it is incredibly healing for both people. It heals physical and emotional blocks in all of our bodies.. but especially in the lower energy centres of security and sexuality.

How can I learn to listen to the partner’s energy and really feel it?2017-08-23T18:42:33+00:00
Tantra teaches us to be truly intimate. This means that we have no walls or barriers up to each other. This allows us to feel each other’s energy completely naturally… the energy is always there. But our brains get in the way; our expectations, our projections, our lack of presence. As we study and practice tantra, it becomes easier to be open and present and more sensitive.

Then we merge together and their energies and our energies mix… We truly become one. You will feel it like a ride that you both are on. And it’s actually very natural. We just need a different foundation to discover these abilities from.

I would recommend Tantric Intimacy for this… It provides a comprehensive guide to many aspects of tantra that will help you strengthen every relationship in your life.

What If I study Tantra but my future partners don’t know how to do it?2017-08-23T18:44:02+00:00

The wonderful thing about studying tantra is that you, personally, will hold a different kind of space when you are with anyone.

You will be fully present, loving, kind and open… When you have a new partner, if they are willing, they will fall into your space. You can even preface it by saying “Hey, let’s try something new I’ve learned…” And play from there. After that, even if they read a book (Tantric Intimacy is a great start) or go on a retreat with you, they will be able to connect in a tantric way for sure.

Will tantra help me release fears?2017-08-23T18:45:17+00:00

The foundation of tantra is integrating our spiritual selves with our physical selves. We only experience fears in our physical selves. They are all rooted in experiences here in the physical world. But the spirit/God/energy (or whatever works for you) has no fears… it is infinite, expansive, alive. And when this weaves itself back into us, we have less and less fears because we are stronger… and that strength isn’t just in our physical world. It’s deeper — and it’s a part of us.

Our Foundations of Tantric Intimacy teaches that personal connection with ourselves.. and then teaches us how to connect with others..
Where do I start? How to get my partner to join in without feeling intimidated?2017-08-23T18:47:14+00:00

Our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course is a really gentle way to get started. It’s really down-to-earth and it truly takes you right from the core of relationships – intimacy and builds you to an amazing place. People do often feel intimidated, but if your partner knows that you are both new to this, it could be viewed as a fun new adventure that you will take together… as opposed to something that you want him to learn.

Tantra is always about discovery, no matter how long you’ve been practising it, so you will both have a wonderful time together… And honestly what better hobby for a couple to have? 😉

How to heal my partner so that we can have incredible bonding sexual intimacy as we haven’t had sex or made love in so long2016-01-09T16:04:08+00:00
This is precisely what we learn in Fusion Tantra. Not to do a big sales pitch, but our couples course “Foundations in Tantric Intimacy” takes you right from the beginning of being intimate together and creates a wonderful new, trusting and loving foundation. So often we drift apart for many reasons.. The goal of this course is to bring you back together in the gentlest, most loving way. 🙂
Can this course help me to let go of control?2017-08-23T19:05:44+00:00

Yes. Definitely.

In our normal lives, we hold on to control for a hundred reasons… and this can make our sex life (and relationships) kind of ho-hum and difficult because we don’t get a chance to truly relax and let the incredible amounts of energy flowing through our bodies to truly be felt and then shared with another person.

This course creates a new foundation for us. It helps us be able to relax and be truly intimate and in the present moment. Letting go of control is a big part of the process!

I would like to learn how to stop my addiction to being in relationship constantly.2017-08-23T19:01:40+00:00

Yes. This is a huge challenge.

On the one hand, there is a natural desire to be with another… and this isn’t unhealthy. It’s a natural human desire to mate and feel love. However, it is a problem if our happiness depends on having the partner.

Tantra brings us inside; it helps us look inside at what is truly going on. You can find insights as to why you are unhappy unless you have a partner. You learn to have more of a meditative mind… and ability to stand outside of yourself and truly observe your fear of being alone and what it means.

And it connects us to the ecstasy that we can feel every day regardless of our circumstances. This is a huge deal!! We believe that we will be happy “When we have a partner”, “when we have a good job”, “when I find the right place to live”, “when I lose 30 pounds”, etc… But none of this is true. If we aren’t happy now, none of these things will make us happy.

Tantra says that bliss must not be conditional on our circumstances.. otherwise it isn’t bliss… It is just a reaction to our circumstances.. which can change… and therefore we end up with stress inside because we are afraid of our “happy” circumstances changing…

Our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy Course for Individuals might be really interesting for you… It does talk about applying these principles to our relationships and sexuality, but it starts with creating a huge foundation for us… to become truly tantric and at peace with ourselves.

Can tantra apply to a polyamorous lifestyle?2017-08-23T19:04:23+00:00

Yes, these teachings can absolutely apply to a polyamourous lifestyle. Tantra isn’t something that we do, it’s something that we become. We become more present, more aware, more sensitive. We become more able to intimately connect with everyone in our lives.

Much of today’s society links sexuality with romantic, monogamous relationships. But the truth is that our sexuality is healing, regenerative and a wonderful expression of love. It can certainly be beautiful in monogamous relationships. But it’s also wonderful when we love many people… The more wonderful love and intimacy the better!

We get to connect with each other in a way that is beyond the expectations of society. We get to just connect intimately — with pure love — untainted with ownership and expectation… just pure loving energy.

How do you connect with another person intimately – without fear, shame, guilt or judgement?2017-08-23T19:11:45+00:00

You have practically defined tantric intimacy.

This is exactly what it is to be intimate: to be able to just relax and not be afraid to feel vulnerable. When we can do this, our “energy” flows effortlessly… We can love unbounded and feel our partner’s love completely.

Part of our tantric journey is definitely healing the fears, shame and guilt that we carry.. and to learn to just be open and kind without judgement is also something that we need to be taught.. Because it isn’t everyone’s experience up until this point.

This is exactly what we teach in our courses, and is thoroughly covered in Tantric Intimacy.

After having a spiritual awakening, I find making love is not fulfilling. In the moment it feels good but it leaves me empty. I just know there is more, it’s more of a deeper connection I’m after.2017-08-23T19:09:41+00:00

Yes, this is understandable — and not uncommon or wrong. Once you have experienced the divine presence, it’s hard to settle for anything else. And deep down, we know that intimacy and sexuality are both meant to bring us to the same place! This is precisely what first drew me to tantra.

I think that you would love our Foundations for Tantric Intimacy course. It teaches a whole new foundations based on spiritual integration on how to connect with ourselves and then with others, in the way that we were truly designed to: having incredible experiences that are beyond words, intimacy that truly nourishes us, and the deep connections that we know that we are made for!

Can I use tantra with my partner without them knowing?2017-08-23T19:14:38+00:00
Yes, for sure.
When we study tantra, we actually become tantric. We become more present, more awake, more sensitive, more aware of others and ourselves. Sexually, your partner might notice that you are acting a bit differently… But from an outsider’s perspective, you would essentially just be slowing the pace down, being more present emotionally, and changing the goal from having sex to making love… And most partners truly want this anyway.